The Golden Rule, or Hey Dummy Pay Attention!

Isn't it funny how you can know something for so long before it "clicks"?  I had one of those moments today, and like always it felt like I was hit in the head with a brick.

I won't go into too much detail here, but here is the synopsis.  My wife is currently taking online classes, she has been doing great, but the current class is one that she is a little apprehensive about.  I have been trying to be as supportive as possible, I believe I have been mostly succeeding,  I am proud of her and want to be there for her.  This morning I offered to take on an errand for her, in an attempt to help, and failed miserably.

As I offered to do the errand for her I was surprised to hear a bit of aggravation in her voice and her response.  I have to admit that I was surprised and a little hurt by what I considered at the time unnecessary harshness.  I then thought about it for a bit and decided to see if I could figure out what the problem was, and made it worse.

Then I continued to make it worse, overly explaining myself, until both of us there throughly annoyed, angry, and just plain ticked.  The whole time both of us believing that we were "right" and the other one was "wrong".

So I left for work, and the further I got away from the problem (in miles) the more clearly I started to see what most likely had happened.  The misunderstanding had begun by me.

I have been having a few issues at work lately that are annoying to say the least (and can be detrimental to my family if not figured out).

So here is a more accurate description of what happened.  As I showered this morning I was dwelling on these problems, and the more I did the more upset I became.   I get out of the shower, upset, I make the offer to help, badly, I get a response I didn't understand, and react even worse.  Great job, I know.

Ever since I was a child I was told that what you put in to something is what you are going to get out of it.  I get what that means, and I do understand it, what "clicked" for me was how true this actually is.  I input negativity and receive it back, Duh.

Everyone makes mistakes and takes things out on people that do not deserve it.  We get upset about something and with our already shortened fuse blow up at the undeserving for something unrelated.  Only to have to apologize later for our bad behavior.  Why?

We all can understand how it feels when we are on the receiving end of the blow up as well, and how unfair it feels.  While the severity of the blow up will vary, they are always avoidable, if precautions are taken.

I was trying to be a supportive husband with the offer, but with my body language and tone of voice were not appropriate, hence the unexpected response.  So how could I have acted/reacted differently?

I have a few ideas:

#1  Not dwelling on problems.  Pretty simple statement, hard to implement.  I will have to practice this.

#2  Proper communication.  I have not been properly communicating the problems I have been dwelling on with my wife, her understanding and support always take a lot of the fear out of problems.

#3  Timing is everything.  I keep hearing this and the more I do the more truth I see in this simple statement.  If I had taken a few minutes to try and see the situation from her eyes I may have better understood, earlier.  I also should have taken a few minutes to think about other things before approaching her, something more positive.

#4  Be aware of my body language and tone of voice.  This has continued to be a problem with me, I wear my emotions openly.  I have little to no poker face when it comes to my emotions, and I have had continued misunderstandings due to this shortcoming.

#5  Stop assuming I know what others are thinking or where they are coming from.  While everyone does this my wife and I have become quite skilled at this unfair behavior.   We both incorrectly assumed that we knew where the other person was coming from and what their motivations were.

There are numerous other things that I could list here, but I believe that these three are appropriate actions to help correct the main points of this misunderstanding.

I have, and do apologize to my wife for the troubles of this morning.  I do love and respect her, and I want to do all I can to grow into a better husband and partner.

So there you have it, my duh moment.  We all grow up hearing the advice of how to do things and how to treat people.  Isn't it amazing though how we can still be surprised at the completeness of these truths.

Here are a few of these truths (NIV Version):

1Cr 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

1Cr 13:5 It is not rude, it is not self‑seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

1Cr 13:6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

1Cr 13:7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.



Mat 7:12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.